I know today is supposed to ba all happy and cheerie! But before I go get beautiful for my amazing Husband, I want to bitch a little bit! I feel like, especially today, I have some right to bitch!
I've wanted to be a mother for so long! It really, truly is the only thing I have ever planned on for my future. One of my only goals in life!
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I didn't grow up playing sports or instrument or dancing or cheering or anything really! I was never focused on any one of my talents as a child. So when it came time to figure out what I wanted to go to college for I was at a loss! At first I applied and got accepted to a school in Georgia for nursing assistant but then I thought about going for my RN at the local community college. I thought I would be a very good nurse. But my heart wasn't in it. Next I thought about going up to VA to a christian college for Music Ministry. I sang all through school and at my church (but never concentrated on it). I figured now was my time to go for it. But I was behind on sooo much and, again, my heart wasn't in it. After I got married I figured I would go to school for teaching, nursing again and then on to mid-wifery, photography.... alllll not right for me. I am supposed to go back to school next month, to kill time while Thomas is deployed, and I STILL haven't even applied to the CC here:( I know that I am smart. I know that I could be any of those things and have a great career in it! But my heart is in being a mother.
My sister says it best: "All you have ever asspired toward is having babies". I always flench when I hear her say that! Have I let myself down? Have I sold myself short!? I think about this a lot, especially now. Any woman can be a mother, bear a child. It's nothing unique or even skilled. Women are so much more these days! They have careers and families! Should I have focused more in school and really tried for college and a career!?
Now I can't even get pregnant! The only thing I have ever counted on being in my future is out of my grasp. I put all of my eggs in one basket, and here I am now... no college, no career, no baby.
But you know what keeps me going... besides wanting to make my gorgeous DH a father!? The fact that I know, WHEN i become a mother, I am going to be amazing! I know that this is my calling. This is what I am supposed to do with my life. At least for the first part of it! Prayerfully, I will be able to find something that I want to turn into a career after my children start school, and that's what I will finish my working years out with! But for now, I am comforted in my plans, dreams, goals of becoming a young mother!
I always had a babydoll with me, for as long as I can remember. I started babysitting when I was 10. When all my friends in High School were flipping burgers and selling clothes, i was babysitting at a nursery and working for 10 families out in town! I tried retale... I am now babysitting again for extra money. I love this!
Any woman care bare a child! But it really takes a special one to be a good mother and raise amazing children!!
This IS what I am meant to do!
Now, why can't I do it!?!?
Monday, December 3, 2007
It's our Anniversary!!!<3
TWO YEARS:):)
How neat it is to say that!
We are probably just going to go to our favorite Japanese restaurant and a movie or something like that! I guessed my surprise gift from him! Well, it was the gift "idea" that i guessed! I have been asking for a really nice silk robe but he couldn't find one around here! We looked online, but I didn't find one... so we decided to go with the fence! We've been putting it off since we moved into the house over a year ago! And now we're finally going ahead with it! And honestly, that's better than a robe to me! Our dogs love going to my parent's house and running in their back yard! Granted, our yard isn't as big as their's is... it has to be better than sharing a lead lol!!
So I'll make the call in the next few days and pray that they can put it up soon!!
Now I just have to say that I have been so blessed to have Thomas in my life. To have him as my husband has truly been a miracle!
We only had a few months as husband and wife before the joy and hope of TTC turned into the pain and frustration of T-TTC. But he has been my rock through it all! I get so frustrated with him at times because i don't feel like he's trying as hard as I am. But just one look at him and I know that I want to keep going! That this is the right thing for me to be doing. Because he is going to be an amazing father!!! So here we go, one last shot before he's gone! Come here, our little 2008 baby!!
How neat it is to say that!
We are probably just going to go to our favorite Japanese restaurant and a movie or something like that! I guessed my surprise gift from him! Well, it was the gift "idea" that i guessed! I have been asking for a really nice silk robe but he couldn't find one around here! We looked online, but I didn't find one... so we decided to go with the fence! We've been putting it off since we moved into the house over a year ago! And now we're finally going ahead with it! And honestly, that's better than a robe to me! Our dogs love going to my parent's house and running in their back yard! Granted, our yard isn't as big as their's is... it has to be better than sharing a lead lol!!
So I'll make the call in the next few days and pray that they can put it up soon!!
Now I just have to say that I have been so blessed to have Thomas in my life. To have him as my husband has truly been a miracle!
We only had a few months as husband and wife before the joy and hope of TTC turned into the pain and frustration of T-TTC. But he has been my rock through it all! I get so frustrated with him at times because i don't feel like he's trying as hard as I am. But just one look at him and I know that I want to keep going! That this is the right thing for me to be doing. Because he is going to be an amazing father!!! So here we go, one last shot before he's gone! Come here, our little 2008 baby!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
AW: Thomas!!
Just had to brag on Thomas for a sec!! He's excited and I'm super proud of him... so he deserves it:)
Any who, he's been in for 4 years, this past September and has already tested for and passed Staff Sergent (E5)!! He should "pin it on" (officially be promoted) next spring while he's in Iraq!
He had to go to ALS (Airman Leadership School) for like 6 weeks. He graduated with the Academic Achievement Award and the Distinguished Graduate Award:) Two of the highest awards, only second and third to one award, which went to another guy from his squadron!!
We had both sets of our parents in town for it (The only time his parents have been to visit us) and we were all sooo very proud of him!
Last week he told me that he was chosen as Airman of the Year for his shop and that he was in the running for squadron AOY! He got it:) and is moving up to base level!! The base only has like 2,000 Airmen on it... so we shall see how far he goes! But regardless, he is amazing! Oh, and he finishes his Associates this month too! He has clept almost all of the classes and passed without even opening a book! He just has one more class next week and then he'll have his degree!! I know it might not seem like a lot to some people, especially if you're not military! But he really is doing amazing and in an amazing amount of time!
So congrats, Baby!! I'm so proud to be your wife!!
Any who, he's been in for 4 years, this past September and has already tested for and passed Staff Sergent (E5)!! He should "pin it on" (officially be promoted) next spring while he's in Iraq!
He had to go to ALS (Airman Leadership School) for like 6 weeks. He graduated with the Academic Achievement Award and the Distinguished Graduate Award:) Two of the highest awards, only second and third to one award, which went to another guy from his squadron!!
We had both sets of our parents in town for it (The only time his parents have been to visit us) and we were all sooo very proud of him!
Last week he told me that he was chosen as Airman of the Year for his shop and that he was in the running for squadron AOY! He got it:) and is moving up to base level!! The base only has like 2,000 Airmen on it... so we shall see how far he goes! But regardless, he is amazing! Oh, and he finishes his Associates this month too! He has clept almost all of the classes and passed without even opening a book! He just has one more class next week and then he'll have his degree!! I know it might not seem like a lot to some people, especially if you're not military! But he really is doing amazing and in an amazing amount of time!
So congrats, Baby!! I'm so proud to be your wife!!
Nothing, really, to report...
But I'm bored and killing some time before I start laundry and some more house work!
Still haven't started charting:( I woke up this morning but couldnt figure out how to get my thermometer to work lol. It was dark and I got frustrated, so I put it down and went back to sleep for a little while! It's sounds pittyful, it was!! But o-well... maybe tomorrow will be a better day!
Since my cycles and ovulation have been so wacky lately, I've just decided that starting tomorrow, CD10, We're going to BD every other day until CD32!
My last 4 cycles have been 33, 42, 33 and 40 days long! With 14 day LPs! So I figure those BD'ing days should cover all our bases! I have to order some new OPKs. I figure I'll just order a 20 pack this time and start on CD15 with the extra 3 I have with me now while I'm waiting for the new ones to come in! I'm still trying to figure out when to use the Pre-seed I have! It's a 3 pack. So I asked my trustie ladies on the T-TTC board! SO I guess I'll figure that out some time soon! Hopefully I'll get a +OPK around the "normal" time: CD14! That would be lovely! Then I could sqeeze an extra cycle in before Thomas left if this one isn't lucky!! That would be nice!
Anywho... This is the Other 2WW! The one Before O! So there really isn't much I can do but order things online and wait! Like I said, I start the BDing tomorrow since we are probebly dealing with MFI. It's better to have sex every 48 hours to be sure to give the (sperm) numbers enough time to get up, without leaving enough time for them to go bad and die! So I need to start that "pattern" so we have strong, healthy sperm to work with!
It's so sad that my months have been reduced to 2 different 2 week intervals of waiting! And that sex has to be set to patterns and time limits! But thus is life! And hopefully it will all pay off soon!
Still haven't started charting:( I woke up this morning but couldnt figure out how to get my thermometer to work lol. It was dark and I got frustrated, so I put it down and went back to sleep for a little while! It's sounds pittyful, it was!! But o-well... maybe tomorrow will be a better day!
Since my cycles and ovulation have been so wacky lately, I've just decided that starting tomorrow, CD10, We're going to BD every other day until CD32!
My last 4 cycles have been 33, 42, 33 and 40 days long! With 14 day LPs! So I figure those BD'ing days should cover all our bases! I have to order some new OPKs. I figure I'll just order a 20 pack this time and start on CD15 with the extra 3 I have with me now while I'm waiting for the new ones to come in! I'm still trying to figure out when to use the Pre-seed I have! It's a 3 pack. So I asked my trustie ladies on the T-TTC board! SO I guess I'll figure that out some time soon! Hopefully I'll get a +OPK around the "normal" time: CD14! That would be lovely! Then I could sqeeze an extra cycle in before Thomas left if this one isn't lucky!! That would be nice!
Anywho... This is the Other 2WW! The one Before O! So there really isn't much I can do but order things online and wait! Like I said, I start the BDing tomorrow since we are probebly dealing with MFI. It's better to have sex every 48 hours to be sure to give the (sperm) numbers enough time to get up, without leaving enough time for them to go bad and die! So I need to start that "pattern" so we have strong, healthy sperm to work with!
It's so sad that my months have been reduced to 2 different 2 week intervals of waiting! And that sex has to be set to patterns and time limits! But thus is life! And hopefully it will all pay off soon!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
On a different note...
I'm on CD7 and have only charted one temp on CD2! It's bad, I know. But with traveling and the rough few nights and mornings I've been having, it just hasn't worked out right!
The devotional was a bit of a let down, I have to say! It's just one little verse and then a story from her own experience. I've only read 2 days so far so I guess I should just hush and give it a fair chance!
The meditation Cd's are good. Not quite what I expected, but good... helpful! But I also haven't used them all the way through yet. Thomas has been up after I go to bed. So i cant really concentrate and relax with basketball and battlefield going on in the living room! Plus the dogs were pretty annoying last night. Thomas kind of mocked me for using meditation last night during our argument and it made me self conscience! Like, "Has it really come to this? That I need a cookey lady on a Cd to tell me to relax and give me strength!?" But it has come to that! And at least I can accept that and see it for what it is and try to get the best result from it as possible! Right?
Well I'm going to order some OPKs and HPTs when I get off work later. I have no idea how I'm going to gage this cycle, the others have been so unpredictable! I'll just buy a lot of them and start taking them around CD14 and keep going until I get a positive I guess! And hopefully, since Thomas goes back to work tomorrow, tonight will be smoother and I will be able to wake up on time and able to temp and meditate. Tomorrow is a new day! Hopefully a better day!!
The devotional was a bit of a let down, I have to say! It's just one little verse and then a story from her own experience. I've only read 2 days so far so I guess I should just hush and give it a fair chance!
The meditation Cd's are good. Not quite what I expected, but good... helpful! But I also haven't used them all the way through yet. Thomas has been up after I go to bed. So i cant really concentrate and relax with basketball and battlefield going on in the living room! Plus the dogs were pretty annoying last night. Thomas kind of mocked me for using meditation last night during our argument and it made me self conscience! Like, "Has it really come to this? That I need a cookey lady on a Cd to tell me to relax and give me strength!?" But it has come to that! And at least I can accept that and see it for what it is and try to get the best result from it as possible! Right?
Well I'm going to order some OPKs and HPTs when I get off work later. I have no idea how I'm going to gage this cycle, the others have been so unpredictable! I'll just buy a lot of them and start taking them around CD14 and keep going until I get a positive I guess! And hopefully, since Thomas goes back to work tomorrow, tonight will be smoother and I will be able to wake up on time and able to temp and meditate. Tomorrow is a new day! Hopefully a better day!!
Just One of Those Days...
I didn't want to get out of bed this morning at all! And it's "shower day" (every other day). I stayed in bed until the last possible minute! My hair is ratty and a little greasy. It's in that crap phase anyways, where it's too long and too short to do anything with it! But I made it to work only 3 minutes late!
I guess my bad morning started out as a bad night. Thomas has been off work the past few days so he's stayed up a lot later than me every night watching sports and playing Battle Field 2! I can't really blame him, he doesn't get a lot of time off from work. He's been working his butt off the last few months and is deploying soon (Oh, Lord). But I hate going to bed alone! I just want to snuggle up with him and feel him fall into sleep with me while I still have him here to do that! There really is nothing like falling asleep and waking up next to your husband every day! I miss that so much while he is away! And we're getting close! It has come so fast! A part of me is ready. Ready for some freedom, some independence, more responsibility. But my husband... in a war. On the other side of the world. Away. For months. How can I just kiss him good night and walk off to sleep alone? I can't. I won't. And so we argued! And I won! But still, this morning, I couldn't shake this funk!
Everything is good this morning; My puppies didn't bother me this morning, they just stayed in bed with Thomas. The weather is perfect outside. I had just enough gas to get me to and from work. etc. But I can't smile. My heart hurts. My usual internet routine is MySpace, FaceBook, E-mail, TheNest, and Blogs. Everywhere there are babies and belly's and ultrasound pictures. Or there is just bad news from my girls on thenest. More BFNs. More failed IVFs. Failed IUIs. Failed adoptions. Failed drug challenges. I'm surrounded by extremes. Everyone is pregnant and happy and their dreams are coming true. Or everyone is hurting, breaking, losing faith, watching their dreams walk off in other women's hands. And where am I? I'm stuck. I can't do anything more than I am. I can't call out to my doctor for help. My husband lives in a strange fog of denial and faith. I'm hopeful and doubtful. I'm confident and confused. I just want out of all of this. I want out of this day. This funk that I'm in. I want to be on one side or the other. I don't want to be in Limbo any longer. I want to be succeeding. Or failing. Either way! I just want to be trying! Really trying. Knowing that I'm doing all I can do. That Thomas and the doctors and nurses are doing all they can do. I don't want this to be futile any more. I don't want to be futile any more.
I guess my bad morning started out as a bad night. Thomas has been off work the past few days so he's stayed up a lot later than me every night watching sports and playing Battle Field 2! I can't really blame him, he doesn't get a lot of time off from work. He's been working his butt off the last few months and is deploying soon (Oh, Lord). But I hate going to bed alone! I just want to snuggle up with him and feel him fall into sleep with me while I still have him here to do that! There really is nothing like falling asleep and waking up next to your husband every day! I miss that so much while he is away! And we're getting close! It has come so fast! A part of me is ready. Ready for some freedom, some independence, more responsibility. But my husband... in a war. On the other side of the world. Away. For months. How can I just kiss him good night and walk off to sleep alone? I can't. I won't. And so we argued! And I won! But still, this morning, I couldn't shake this funk!
Everything is good this morning; My puppies didn't bother me this morning, they just stayed in bed with Thomas. The weather is perfect outside. I had just enough gas to get me to and from work. etc. But I can't smile. My heart hurts. My usual internet routine is MySpace, FaceBook, E-mail, TheNest, and Blogs. Everywhere there are babies and belly's and ultrasound pictures. Or there is just bad news from my girls on thenest. More BFNs. More failed IVFs. Failed IUIs. Failed adoptions. Failed drug challenges. I'm surrounded by extremes. Everyone is pregnant and happy and their dreams are coming true. Or everyone is hurting, breaking, losing faith, watching their dreams walk off in other women's hands. And where am I? I'm stuck. I can't do anything more than I am. I can't call out to my doctor for help. My husband lives in a strange fog of denial and faith. I'm hopeful and doubtful. I'm confident and confused. I just want out of all of this. I want out of this day. This funk that I'm in. I want to be on one side or the other. I don't want to be in Limbo any longer. I want to be succeeding. Or failing. Either way! I just want to be trying! Really trying. Knowing that I'm doing all I can do. That Thomas and the doctors and nurses are doing all they can do. I don't want this to be futile any more. I don't want to be futile any more.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
New stuff:)
We finally got home:) It's 11:oo but we are here, in our house:)
Our mail box was stuffed with bills and sale ads anddd my orders from amazon.com!!!
I ordered a devotional called "Guide Me Through This Barren Land", a set of Cd's of guided meditations called "Help for Infertility" and a book on MFI called "Overcoming Male Infertility: Understanding it's causes and treatments"!
I'm really excited about the devotional!! As you can probably tell from my other posts, I have been struggling to find and hold on to God through all of this. So I'm hoping that i can get something from the book!
The Cd's were a total impulse! I read about it on my message board. A girl had asked if anyone used it and a few ladies gave positive feed back so i added it to the list! I figure it won't hurt to give them a try. Either I love them and they really help me deal with the stress and all the other things i need help dealing with; or I think it's completely silly and not going to work for me. But they were only $13.00 and I can say I tried it!
The MFI book is basically to try and get Thomas to acknowledge that there is a problem and that there are solutions! I have read a few books but they mostly focus on female infertility so i figured I would grab this book and try to learn and understand as much as possible from the other side of the issue!
On another note, I'm really glad to be home! Get back to some normalcy and routine!
Thomas and I talked a little about these issues on the way home. He basically is still just waiting to hear from a doctor. I don't think any of this is still as real to him as it is to me! Which I can understand! This is my dream, my conviction. He wants to be a father but he is still hanging on to the idea that it will just happen someday! And I obviously gave up that idea a while ago! But I guess I should try to stop holding it against him! I've tried to tell him that I need him to read more about it and learn more about all of it so he can have a real opinion on the issue but it's fallen on deaf ears so far! Who knows... maybe after tonight he'll want to look into it more! I can remember fighting the idea of needing help with TTC, i remember the fear and disappointment! So I guess I just have to accept that it's taking him longer to come to terms with all of this!
He also feels like I'm "putting all my eggs in one basket"! I've heard this before... I've said this before! He doesn't think I'm balanced enough in life. That I don't care about anything else as much as I do about having a baby! It's true! I just can't see how it's a problem lol! But I'm trying to counter it! I'm applying for school in a few weeks, I'm working, I want to dive into photography soon. I've been trying to get us to find and join a new church or bible group around here or even start finding more couples to spend time with! I guess all of that is still just over shadowed by my determination to conceive! But I'm fine with it! I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing! I'm already soooo limited right now with deployments and time, that I don't think I could be doing any less and still make a difference! So whatever... He'll wake up one day and see that I really am OK! That I'm not as desperate or as lost as he might think I am!! It will be OK! And one day, when he's holding our baby in his arms, he'll thank me for all of this!
Our mail box was stuffed with bills and sale ads anddd my orders from amazon.com!!!
I ordered a devotional called "Guide Me Through This Barren Land", a set of Cd's of guided meditations called "Help for Infertility" and a book on MFI called "Overcoming Male Infertility: Understanding it's causes and treatments"!
I'm really excited about the devotional!! As you can probably tell from my other posts, I have been struggling to find and hold on to God through all of this. So I'm hoping that i can get something from the book!
The Cd's were a total impulse! I read about it on my message board. A girl had asked if anyone used it and a few ladies gave positive feed back so i added it to the list! I figure it won't hurt to give them a try. Either I love them and they really help me deal with the stress and all the other things i need help dealing with; or I think it's completely silly and not going to work for me. But they were only $13.00 and I can say I tried it!
The MFI book is basically to try and get Thomas to acknowledge that there is a problem and that there are solutions! I have read a few books but they mostly focus on female infertility so i figured I would grab this book and try to learn and understand as much as possible from the other side of the issue!
On another note, I'm really glad to be home! Get back to some normalcy and routine!
Thomas and I talked a little about these issues on the way home. He basically is still just waiting to hear from a doctor. I don't think any of this is still as real to him as it is to me! Which I can understand! This is my dream, my conviction. He wants to be a father but he is still hanging on to the idea that it will just happen someday! And I obviously gave up that idea a while ago! But I guess I should try to stop holding it against him! I've tried to tell him that I need him to read more about it and learn more about all of it so he can have a real opinion on the issue but it's fallen on deaf ears so far! Who knows... maybe after tonight he'll want to look into it more! I can remember fighting the idea of needing help with TTC, i remember the fear and disappointment! So I guess I just have to accept that it's taking him longer to come to terms with all of this!
He also feels like I'm "putting all my eggs in one basket"! I've heard this before... I've said this before! He doesn't think I'm balanced enough in life. That I don't care about anything else as much as I do about having a baby! It's true! I just can't see how it's a problem lol! But I'm trying to counter it! I'm applying for school in a few weeks, I'm working, I want to dive into photography soon. I've been trying to get us to find and join a new church or bible group around here or even start finding more couples to spend time with! I guess all of that is still just over shadowed by my determination to conceive! But I'm fine with it! I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing! I'm already soooo limited right now with deployments and time, that I don't think I could be doing any less and still make a difference! So whatever... He'll wake up one day and see that I really am OK! That I'm not as desperate or as lost as he might think I am!! It will be OK! And one day, when he's holding our baby in his arms, he'll thank me for all of this!
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