Monday, December 3, 2007

a vent.

I know today is supposed to ba all happy and cheerie! But before I go get beautiful for my amazing Husband, I want to bitch a little bit! I feel like, especially today, I have some right to bitch!

I've wanted to be a mother for so long! It really, truly is the only thing I have ever planned on for my future. One of my only goals in life!
I didn't grow up playing sports or instrument or dancing or cheering or anything really! I was never focused on any one of my talents as a child. So when it came time to figure out what I wanted to go to college for I was at a loss! At first I applied and got accepted to a school in Georgia for nursing assistant but then I thought about going for my RN at the local community college. I thought I would be a very good nurse. But my heart wasn't in it. Next I thought about going up to VA to a christian college for Music Ministry. I sang all through school and at my church (but never concentrated on it). I figured now was my time to go for it. But I was behind on sooo much and, again, my heart wasn't in it. After I got married I figured I would go to school for teaching, nursing again and then on to mid-wifery, photography.... alllll not right for me. I am supposed to go back to school next month, to kill time while Thomas is deployed, and I STILL haven't even applied to the CC here:( I know that I am smart. I know that I could be any of those things and have a great career in it! But my heart is in being a mother.

My sister says it best: "All you have ever asspired toward is having babies". I always flench when I hear her say that! Have I let myself down? Have I sold myself short!? I think about this a lot, especially now. Any woman can be a mother, bear a child. It's nothing unique or even skilled. Women are so much more these days! They have careers and families! Should I have focused more in school and really tried for college and a career!?

Now I can't even get pregnant! The only thing I have ever counted on being in my future is out of my grasp. I put all of my eggs in one basket, and here I am now... no college, no career, no baby.

But you know what keeps me going... besides wanting to make my gorgeous DH a father!? The fact that I know, WHEN i become a mother, I am going to be amazing! I know that this is my calling. This is what I am supposed to do with my life. At least for the first part of it! Prayerfully, I will be able to find something that I want to turn into a career after my children start school, and that's what I will finish my working years out with! But for now, I am comforted in my plans, dreams, goals of becoming a young mother!

I always had a babydoll with me, for as long as I can remember. I started babysitting when I was 10. When all my friends in High School were flipping burgers and selling clothes, i was babysitting at a nursery and working for 10 families out in town! I tried retale... I am now babysitting again for extra money. I love this!

Any woman care bare a child! But it really takes a special one to be a good mother and raise amazing children!!

This IS what I am meant to do!

Now, why can't I do it!?!?

No comments: