Thursday, December 27, 2007


Well, This is it! This is my BFP post:) The one I have dreamed about writing for a long time!

Like my last post mentioned, I had some cramping and some sharp jabs, so I was hopeful because I had never had the jabbing feeling before! I noticed that I was having to pee like every hour even with little to drink and the few days before I had a temperature of over 99 degrees (mid-afternoon, I gave up on charting lol). My boobs started to look very full and veiny and there was a dark ring starting around my nipple! I was still in denial... well denial isn't the best word. I knew these were all good signs, but I never imagined I was pregnant!! I guess after all the months of not being pregnant, it's a difficult thing to think of pregnancy as a reality! --I'll go into that more later!-- I had a left over First Response HPT from my last cycle. I tested (earlier than planned bc Thomas was convinced by the appearence of my boobs that it would be positive!) and I could see the faintest, tint of pink on it... but only in direct sunlight and at a certain angle lol!!

The next day we went to church and our pastor and deacons prayed over Thomas and myself since that would be his last time visiting the church before his deployment. I wished so badly that I could have added a prayer of thanksgiving and protection for and over our new little family but I couldn't be convinced by a faint tint of a line! So that afternoon I went out with my sister-in-law and bought 2 more First Response and 2 Walgreen's brand digital tests! I tired telling Kelly the whole way home not to get her hopes up! Thomas and I have faced countless negative hpts I was used to it, she wasn't! I pee'd in a cup and dipped the two (one of each kind) tests and sat them down on the floor while I proceeded to clean up and wash my hands. When I looked down I had a nice big beautiful PREGNANT starring up at me!!!

I was in complete shock! My hands shook for a few hours after wards!! My baby sister, Hunter, was the first to know... just as I had promised months and months ago!! There definitely was no romance to the way everyone else found out! My SIL heard Hunter's reaction and knew right away! Thomas and my dad were in the living room so I went in and told them I had a present for them and told Thomas to "pick a hand". When I gave him the HPT my dad thought it was a thermometer and was completely confused as to why I wanted to give them a thermometer as a present!! When Thomas explained to him that it meant that I was pregnant, He grabbed the stick--by the 'wet' end-- out of Thomas' hand and tried to read it even though he didn't have his glasses on! He called my mom and made me tell her, right there in the middle of Wal-Mart! She started bawling her eyes out and telling all the passers-by that she was going to be a grandma!!

We went over to Thomas' parent's house later that night and told his parents pretty much straight out! This will be the first grandchild for his dad (His step mom has 7) so He was very excited!! Linda, the step mom, told me that she bought the cribs for all her daughters and would buy ours! I was shocked. Not that she offered, but I was sooo far from thinking about cribs!

It has taken me a few days for it to sink in that I'm going to have a baby of my own soon! I have spent sooo much time on the T-TTC side of it and had been so invested in to that it was a very surreal feeling to know that it was over (for now at least) and that I had finally, just-like-that, passed over to the other side!!

So here I am... I am going to be a mom!!!

On Christmas we got to call all of our extended family to tell them and I posted the announcement on my MySpace and FaceBook pages!

We will be in Jacksonville until after the new year and my RE's nurse is off until the 2nd, so I won't be going in for a doctor's appointment until then! And we're hoping to get in for an u/s before Thomas deploys! I'm praying soo hard that there will be good beta numbers and a little (strong) heart beat on that screen!

I'm going to start a pregnancy blog so that my family and friends will be able to follow along. That explains the new "about me" section lol!! I wish there could be seperate ones for each blog, but no such luck!!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It's been a while!

Sorry I haven't posted anything worth reading in a while! Things have been a little rough lately! I found out about a good friend for HS's 'accident' PG last week, and it just kind of went down hill from there for me! The father was the biggest stoner at my school and she is in college and parties a lot. They aren't married and have only been together for a few months! I know I'm being silly. I would never say that they don't deserve that baby or that they will make horrible parents. It's just another home run for the other team and zero for my team! So that was tough! I don't think I have ever cried/whaled like that before in my life. Thomas was really taken back by it. But he was amazing! He held me and comforted me the best he knew how! It was perfect. Just what I needed!

After I found out I basically boycotted MySpace and Facebook! I couldn't stand to look at another U/S or belly picture! I thought about walking away from my message board for a while too, but those ladies are the only ones I can stand to talk to anymore! And since I just took over for the prayer group, I have to be there every Tuesday and Thursday. I really think that was a blessing from God; to put me in charge of that group of ladies! I'm really trying to get into The Word and pray a lot more. Asking God to give me peace and strength and hope and a baby!!

I'm on CD29 today. I have no idea when (or if) I ovulated this cycle. We BD'd all the way to CD26. Last night it was impossible to even think about having sex after Sunday's event! We were staying with my parents, in my old bed room with the sqeeeeeeky-ist bed in the world! So we decided to just go at it on the floor. It was painful, slow, paranoid and basically my worst sexual experience to date! I cried afterwards. Why does it have to be like that for us? It was definitely a struggle for me! But then God kind of let me in on a little secret... if that's allll I had to go through to get pregnant, I should count my blessings! If we get pregnant this cycle, I truly will be blessed. Blessed to not have to do more test, more drugs, procedures... etc!
So I sucked it up and dried my eyes and started to enjoy my "2" week wait!

I've had some light cramping around CD20-22. the past few days there have been some sharp, almost shooting pains in my low abdomen. I imagine that's where my uterus is. So there is hope!

I'm going to test on Christmas morning. That's CD35 (if AF doesn't show before then.) I figure, I've been through enough BFNs... I know I will be OK if it is another one. It won't ruin my holiday or anything like that. So I will hope and pray that I wake up and receive my biggest Christmas present everrrrr:) If not, no one has to know lol

I have started reading "Supernatural Childbirth". My boss gave it to me to read. The first time I heard about the book I was completely turned off by it. I thought it sounded silly and like I was telling God what to do. I had always been under the assumption that "you got what you got" when it came to God! The book talks about using The Bible and the scriptures in it to change your life, change your thinking. Line your life up with what God has to say about Conceiving and giving birth. Believe it. Pray it. I highly recommend it to anyone that is reading this! It is such a positive message. So encouraging and assuring!

Well the count down has begun. It's less than a month before Thomas leaves. It freaked me out the other night. I was watching October Road and the previews said that a new one would be on in 3 weeks. I realized Thomas would probably be gone by then! It was a crazy reality for me! It still doesn't seem real to me at all! SIX MONTHS!! Ahhhhh!! I was so thankful to have him home this year for the holidays... but now it just feels like they are sucking away all of our time together. This time of year moves by sooo fast! Not the ideal time line for a couple facing a deployment! Let me tell you!:)

This will be good for us! It can go two ways! 1) I am pregnant as we speak and I spend the next 6 months in sheer Heaven preparing for Baby and My hubby's safe homecoming! Or 2) I don't get pregnant before he leaves but spend the next 6 months getting my Pre-TTC body back. Spend the summer traveling to visit friends and family... the beach:)... and completely prepare myself and my husband for the TTC journey we will continue when he get s home!!
Either way, we will be making a lot of extra money and by the time he gets home, we will be almost fully out of debt! By October we will be fully out of debt! He will be promoted in the Spring and come back to start the second half of his 4 year degree and we will be facing new job and station opportunities! Things are good. A baby would make them wonderful. But I just have to sit back and count my blessings some days! Life is good. We are taken care of and loved! We love each other more than I ever imagined loving someone!
I'm happy. I'm renewed in faith and hope. I can honestly say that no matter the outcome of the test on Christmas day, I am blessed and willing and ready for what God has in store for us!!

We leave on Friday to drive back down to Jacksonville. We'll spend about a week there with both sets of family and friends! I wish you all a verrrry merrry christmas! I'm sure I'll be back to let you know how the holiday went and the result of the HPT:) Please say a prayer for us in our last weeks together!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

What I wasn't told about TTC...

I saw this post on my message board and I thought it sooo fitting.. Enjoy!

-That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
-That my sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
-That the longer I try to conceive, the more pregnant women spring up around me.
-That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
-That one day I wouldn't mind checking my cervical fluid or cervix position to see if it is my fertile period.
-That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research and I might as well be an M.D.
-That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
-That living my life in 2 week increments would be the normal thing to do.
-That I never knew how much I wanted to see those 2 blue lines...until only one shows up every month.
-That simply relaxing will NOT get me pregnant. The husband has to do some work too! (don't you hate it when people tell you that!?)
-That I have no control over some of the goals I set...
-That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at my BBT chart doesn't make it change!
-That one day my husband would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks and feels like
-That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
-That miscarriage is so common.
-That I would wish we had started trying to conceive earlier.
-That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
-That it wouldn't happen the first time I didn't use birth control like I was led to believe in school.
-That I wouldn't know how important a baby was to me until it took so long, and I realized what I was willing to go through to make it happen.
-That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pregnant "wins".
-That my husband is the most wonderful and caring man!
-That it is insensitive to ask people when they are going to try having a baby! They might be trying and having difficulties just like me!
-That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
-That I could have been rich by saving the money I spent on condoms/birth control pills, which were obviously unnecessary.
-That I would be happy to see abundant cervical fluid and tell my husband about it.
-That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in Florida by now.
-That having my period show up would make me cry, no matter whose bathroom I was in.
-That it does not get easier ... each cycle is harder than the last.
-That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
-That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to trying to conceive.
-That I would splashing urine on my face while taking a home pregnancy test in the hopes that there really was a 2nd blue line hiding in it wouldn’t bother me at all.
-That talking about sex with fellow women who are trying to conceive would be so easy.
-That one day all of this will make me stronger. (it already has, hasn't it?)
-That I would have NO TOLERANCE for pregnant women's complaints about morning sickness, weight gain, etc...(I would give anything to have those feelings...)
-That no one I know would have any understanding as to how I feel.
-That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
-That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies.
-That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at trying to conceive.
-That some people just say the wrong things.
-That when my period shows up I would feel broken and dysfunctional.
-That my friendship with my real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
-That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through.
-That I HAVE to have sex even though I don't feel like it, but because my fertility monitor says HIGH or PEAK.
-That I would meet such a wonderful group of people online, that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
-That I would feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I got a new gig!!

So... I get to be in charge of an online prayer group for some of the ladies on my message board!
The last few ladies that have done it are all expecting! The last one, BakersSweetie, asked the ladies if anyone would want to take over for her and I said I would step up if no one else really wanted to do it! And I was the ONLY person to even volunteer, so I got the gig!!

At first I was a little freaked out! I mean, I'm struggling with all of this myself... how am I supposed to "lead" others through it!? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don't have to "lead" anything! I just have to share my hope! Bakerssweetie said she would mail me the books she used to guide her to scriptures and prayers and I have a few books of my own! So I am just going to dive into it and see what I get out of the readings and prayers and then share that with the other girls!!

I'm probebly going to start a Question of The Day and assign Prayer Partners! I know it was so great for me to have a prayer partner at the beginning of my TTC journey... Someone similar to me, that could relate to all my fears and hopes and dissapointments and successes! So I really think the ladies could only benefit from it!!

So my first check-in is tomorrow morning!! I'm going to do some reading and praying tonight and then it all starts tomorrow!! I'm really excited!!

Online shopping fool!

Okay! So, on saturday I went online, to to order my OPKs for this cycle! Well after I entered my credit card information and hit submit a window came up that said the transaction could not be completed and to go back and fill out the information again! Well I'm a retard and did it 10 times! Each time it said go back, I did! Finally I gave up and figured i would come back and try later! Well, Thomas checked the account and there were 10 transactions in the "pending" area!! I freaked out lol! That's 150 OPKs and like $130 down the drain lol!! I e-mailed the company and asked them to cancel 9 of the orders and on monday I called the bank! The lady told me that they would probebly drop off the pending list by tuesday morning and shouldn't hit our account! Well, they haven't hit our account but they are still pending! I feel like such a tard:P But I'm praying that money won't come out of the account since it was our anniversary/fence money!! So we shall see!

So needless-to-say I won't have OPKs for this cycle! I was a little flustered about it at first but now I'm kind of at peace with it! I'm still charting, even though I totally suck at it lol. So hopefully that will clue me in a little on my time table! We have been BDing every other day consistantly! Yay for us:):) We don't usually stick to it this well! So I'm confident that we are doing everything we can do within our power! So that makes me happy! And if I don't get pregnant before he leaves, then at least I know that we will be able to go straight to the RE when he gets back!!!

side note-- Last night while we were BDing, I actually cried out to God! I know it sounds horrible! But we were going at it and all I could say was "oh God. oh God!" and in my head I was just thinking "Please God let this be it! Please let this be our month!" Thomas got all into it, thinking I was having a really good time! So I just kept the prayer to myself lol!! But I think it was a break through for me! I have always kind of thought my prayers to myself and dont usually say "dear God" or "Amen" or anything like that! So I'm going to start making my thoughts and desires into more formal prayers!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Amazing News!!

Ok, a few posts below, I talked about not wanting to get pregnant before my other T-TTC friends so that I would be the last one standing, the last one hurting, and never have to be "That girl that announced her pg while I'm still waiting" to any of my friends! Well it's official! There's one more couple to cross off my list!!

My senior year in high school our youth group got a new pastor! So right away him and his wife were more like friends to me than anything! After I graduated and while Thomas was gone, they always invited me out and were really great support for me during that time!! They have been TTC for something like 5 years (as far as I know) and recently turned to adoption after failed fertility treatments! 2 weeks ago, to the day, they got some bad news from their agency and were really down and thinking that this too wasn't going to work out for them! Well they were matched on wednesday! Their little girl, Abigail Lynn, will be here around the beginning of March!!! They are ecstatic! And so am I! Out of everyone I know that has been TTC, no one deserves a baby more than them!! I have wanted this for them for so long! And everytime I thought I might be pregnant, my heart hurt a little when the thought of telling them the news crossed my mind!

I don't think of this as one more person off my side of things and on to the other side, leaving me here alone! I know that this side of things blows! I would never pray for company!! So I'm just looking at this as a miracle. Obviously one for them! But one for me as well!! Now I can whole heartedly feel wonderful when I get pregnant!! I won't be able to hurt them! And that makes me feel amazing!!

Congrats Wade & Cherry!

I can't wait to meet little Abby:)

a vent.

I know today is supposed to ba all happy and cheerie! But before I go get beautiful for my amazing Husband, I want to bitch a little bit! I feel like, especially today, I have some right to bitch!

I've wanted to be a mother for so long! It really, truly is the only thing I have ever planned on for my future. One of my only goals in life!
I didn't grow up playing sports or instrument or dancing or cheering or anything really! I was never focused on any one of my talents as a child. So when it came time to figure out what I wanted to go to college for I was at a loss! At first I applied and got accepted to a school in Georgia for nursing assistant but then I thought about going for my RN at the local community college. I thought I would be a very good nurse. But my heart wasn't in it. Next I thought about going up to VA to a christian college for Music Ministry. I sang all through school and at my church (but never concentrated on it). I figured now was my time to go for it. But I was behind on sooo much and, again, my heart wasn't in it. After I got married I figured I would go to school for teaching, nursing again and then on to mid-wifery, photography.... alllll not right for me. I am supposed to go back to school next month, to kill time while Thomas is deployed, and I STILL haven't even applied to the CC here:( I know that I am smart. I know that I could be any of those things and have a great career in it! But my heart is in being a mother.

My sister says it best: "All you have ever asspired toward is having babies". I always flench when I hear her say that! Have I let myself down? Have I sold myself short!? I think about this a lot, especially now. Any woman can be a mother, bear a child. It's nothing unique or even skilled. Women are so much more these days! They have careers and families! Should I have focused more in school and really tried for college and a career!?

Now I can't even get pregnant! The only thing I have ever counted on being in my future is out of my grasp. I put all of my eggs in one basket, and here I am now... no college, no career, no baby.

But you know what keeps me going... besides wanting to make my gorgeous DH a father!? The fact that I know, WHEN i become a mother, I am going to be amazing! I know that this is my calling. This is what I am supposed to do with my life. At least for the first part of it! Prayerfully, I will be able to find something that I want to turn into a career after my children start school, and that's what I will finish my working years out with! But for now, I am comforted in my plans, dreams, goals of becoming a young mother!

I always had a babydoll with me, for as long as I can remember. I started babysitting when I was 10. When all my friends in High School were flipping burgers and selling clothes, i was babysitting at a nursery and working for 10 families out in town! I tried retale... I am now babysitting again for extra money. I love this!

Any woman care bare a child! But it really takes a special one to be a good mother and raise amazing children!!

This IS what I am meant to do!

Now, why can't I do it!?!?

It's our Anniversary!!!<3


How neat it is to say that!

We are probably just going to go to our favorite Japanese restaurant and a movie or something like that! I guessed my surprise gift from him! Well, it was the gift "idea" that i guessed! I have been asking for a really nice silk robe but he couldn't find one around here! We looked online, but I didn't find one... so we decided to go with the fence! We've been putting it off since we moved into the house over a year ago! And now we're finally going ahead with it! And honestly, that's better than a robe to me! Our dogs love going to my parent's house and running in their back yard! Granted, our yard isn't as big as their's is... it has to be better than sharing a lead lol!!

So I'll make the call in the next few days and pray that they can put it up soon!!
Now I just have to say that I have been so blessed to have Thomas in my life. To have him as my husband has truly been a miracle!

We only had a few months as husband and wife before the joy and hope of TTC turned into the pain and frustration of T-TTC. But he has been my rock through it all! I get so frustrated with him at times because i don't feel like he's trying as hard as I am. But just one look at him and I know that I want to keep going! That this is the right thing for me to be doing. Because he is going to be an amazing father!!! So here we go, one last shot before he's gone! Come here, our little 2008 baby!!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

AW: Thomas!!

Just had to brag on Thomas for a sec!! He's excited and I'm super proud of him... so he deserves it:)

Any who
, he's been in for 4 years, this past September and has already tested for and passed Staff Sergent (E5)!! He should "pin it on" (officially be promoted) next spring while he's in Iraq!

He had to go to ALS (Airman Leadership School) for like 6 weeks. He graduated with the Academic Achievement Award and the Distinguished Graduate Award:) Two of the highest awards, only second and third to one award, which went to another guy from his squadron!!
We had both sets of our parents in town for it (The only time his parents have been to visit us) and we were all sooo very proud of him!

Last week he told me that he was chosen as Airman of the Year for his shop and that he was in the running for squadron AOY! He got it:) and is moving up to base level!! The base only has like 2,000 Airmen on it... so we shall see how far he goes! But regardless, he is amazing! Oh, and he finishes his Associates this month too! He has clept almost all of the classes and passed without even opening a book! He just has one more class next week and then he'll have his degree!! I know it might not seem like a lot to some people, especially if you're not military! But he really is doing amazing and in an amazing amount of time!

So congrats, Baby!! I'm so proud to be your wife!!

Nothing, really, to report...

But I'm bored and killing some time before I start laundry and some more house work!

Still haven't started charting:( I woke up this morning but couldnt figure out how to get my thermometer to work lol. It was dark and I got frustrated, so I put it down and went back to sleep for a little while! It's sounds pittyful, it was!! But o-well... maybe tomorrow will be a better day!

Since my cycles and ovulation have been so wacky lately, I've just decided that starting tomorrow, CD10, We're going to BD every other day until CD32!

My last 4 cycles have been 33, 42, 33 and 40 days long! With 14 day LPs! So I figure those BD'ing days should cover all our bases! I have to order some new OPKs. I figure I'll just order a 20 pack this time and start on CD15 with the extra 3 I have with me now while I'm waiting for the new ones to come in! I'm still trying to figure out when to use the Pre-seed I have! It's a 3 pack. So I asked my trustie ladies on the T-TTC board! SO I guess I'll figure that out some time soon! Hopefully I'll get a +OPK around the "normal" time: CD14! That would be lovely! Then I could sqeeze an extra cycle in before Thomas left if this one isn't lucky!! That would be nice!
Anywho... This is the Other 2WW! The one Before O! So there really isn't much I can do but order things online and wait! Like I said, I start the BDing tomorrow since we are probebly dealing with MFI. It's better to have sex every 48 hours to be sure to give the (sperm) numbers enough time to get up, without leaving enough time for them to go bad and die! So I need to start that "pattern" so we have strong, healthy sperm to work with!

It's so sad that my months have been reduced to 2 different 2 week intervals of waiting! And that sex has to be set to patterns and time limits! But thus is life! And hopefully it will all pay off soon!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

On a different note...

I'm on CD7 and have only charted one temp on CD2! It's bad, I know. But with traveling and the rough few nights and mornings I've been having, it just hasn't worked out right!
The devotional was a bit of a let down, I have to say! It's just one little verse and then a story from her own experience. I've only read 2 days so far so I guess I should just hush and give it a fair chance!

The meditation Cd's are good. Not quite what I expected, but good... helpful! But I also haven't used them all the way through yet. Thomas has been up after I go to bed. So i cant really concentrate and relax with basketball and battlefield going on in the living room! Plus the dogs were pretty annoying last night. Thomas kind of mocked me for using meditation last night during our argument and it made me self conscience! Like, "Has it really come to this? That I need a cookey lady on a Cd to tell me to relax and give me strength!?" But it has come to that! And at least I can accept that and see it for what it is and try to get the best result from it as possible! Right?

Well I'm going to order some OPKs and HPTs when I get off work later. I have no idea how I'm going to gage this cycle, the others have been so unpredictable! I'll just buy a lot of them and start taking them around CD14 and keep going until I get a positive I guess! And hopefully, since Thomas goes back to work tomorrow, tonight will be smoother and I will be able to wake up on time and able to temp and meditate. Tomorrow is a new day! Hopefully a better day!!

Just One of Those Days...

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning at all! And it's "shower day" (every other day). I stayed in bed until the last possible minute! My hair is ratty and a little greasy. It's in that crap phase anyways, where it's too long and too short to do anything with it! But I made it to work only 3 minutes late!

I guess my bad morning started out as a bad night. Thomas has been off work the past few days so he's stayed up a lot later than me every night watching sports and playing Battle Field 2! I can't really blame him, he doesn't get a lot of time off from work. He's been working his butt off the last few months and is deploying soon (Oh, Lord). But I hate going to bed alone! I just want to snuggle up with him and feel him fall into sleep with me while I still have him here to do that! There really is nothing like falling asleep and waking up next to your husband every day! I miss that so much while he is away! And we're getting close! It has come so fast! A part of me is ready. Ready for some freedom, some independence, more responsibility. But my husband... in a war. On the other side of the world. Away. For months. How can I just kiss him good night and walk off to sleep alone? I can't. I won't. And so we argued! And I won! But still, this morning, I couldn't shake this funk!

Everything is good this morning; My puppies didn't bother me this morning, they just stayed in bed with Thomas. The weather is perfect outside. I had just enough gas to get me to and from work. etc. But I can't smile. My heart hurts. My usual internet routine is MySpace, FaceBook, E-mail, TheNest, and Blogs. Everywhere there are babies and belly's and ultrasound pictures. Or there is just bad news from my girls on thenest. More BFNs. More failed IVFs. Failed IUIs. Failed adoptions. Failed drug challenges. I'm surrounded by extremes. Everyone is pregnant and happy and their dreams are coming true. Or everyone is hurting, breaking, losing faith, watching their dreams walk off in other women's hands. And where am I? I'm stuck. I can't do anything more than I am. I can't call out to my doctor for help. My husband lives in a strange fog of denial and faith. I'm hopeful and doubtful. I'm confident and confused. I just want out of all of this. I want out of this day. This funk that I'm in. I want to be on one side or the other. I don't want to be in Limbo any longer. I want to be succeeding. Or failing. Either way! I just want to be trying! Really trying. Knowing that I'm doing all I can do. That Thomas and the doctors and nurses are doing all they can do. I don't want this to be futile any more. I don't want to be futile any more.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

New stuff:)

We finally got home:) It's 11:oo but we are here, in our house:)

Our mail box was stuffed with bills and sale ads anddd my orders from!!!
I ordered a devotional called "Guide Me Through This Barren Land", a set of Cd's of guided meditations called "Help for Infertility" and a book on MFI called "Overcoming Male Infertility: Understanding it's causes and treatments"!

I'm really excited about the devotional!! As you can probably tell from my other posts, I have been struggling to find and hold on to God through all of this. So I'm hoping that i can get something from the book!

The Cd's were a total impulse! I read about it on my message board. A girl had asked if anyone used it and a few ladies gave positive feed back so i added it to the list! I figure it won't hurt to give them a try. Either I love them and they really help me deal with the stress and all the other things i need help dealing with; or I think it's completely silly and not going to work for me. But they were only $13.00 and I can say I tried it!

The MFI book is basically to try and get Thomas to acknowledge that there is a problem and that there are solutions! I have read a few books but they mostly focus on female infertility so i figured I would grab this book and try to learn and understand as much as possible from the other side of the issue!

On another note, I'm really glad to be home! Get back to some normalcy and routine!
Thomas and I talked a little about these issues on the way home. He basically is still just waiting to hear from a doctor. I don't think any of this is still as real to him as it is to me! Which I can understand! This is my dream, my conviction. He wants to be a father but he is still hanging on to the idea that it will just happen someday! And I obviously gave up that idea a while ago! But I guess I should try to stop holding it against him! I've tried to tell him that I need him to read more about it and learn more about all of it so he can have a real opinion on the issue but it's fallen on deaf ears so far! Who knows... maybe after tonight he'll want to look into it more! I can remember fighting the idea of needing help with TTC, i remember the fear and disappointment! So I guess I just have to accept that it's taking him longer to come to terms with all of this!
He also feels like I'm "putting all my eggs in one basket"! I've heard this before... I've said this before! He doesn't think I'm balanced enough in life. That I don't care about anything else as much as I do about having a baby! It's true! I just can't see how it's a problem lol! But I'm trying to counter it! I'm applying for school in a few weeks, I'm working, I want to dive into photography soon. I've been trying to get us to find and join a new church or bible group around here or even start finding more couples to spend time with! I guess all of that is still just over shadowed by my determination to conceive! But I'm fine with it! I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing! I'm already soooo limited right now with deployments and time, that I don't think I could be doing any less and still make a difference! So whatever... He'll wake up one day and see that I really am OK! That I'm not as desperate or as lost as he might think I am!! It will be OK! And one day, when he's holding our baby in his arms, he'll thank me for all of this!

The way it should be

I made love to my husband this morning and it was that perfect kind of love. The way you always imagine sex being between you and your husband! A real connection.

All day I have only been able to think that that is the way making a baby should be done! I should be able to have amazing, beautiful sex with the man I love and have a miracle as a product of that love. Why does it have to be tainted!? Why does it have to be filled with expectation, fear, doubt and dissapointment!?

I'm ready for my miracle.

I'm ready to enjoy my husband again.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Almost there

We're home! Well, almost home! We made it back to my parents house in Jacksonville around noon:) We'll leave for Fayetteville some time tomorrow afternoon!

It was so great to see our puppies again! I missed them sooo much! We have a 1 year old Shipperkie named Mya and a 10 month old Pit Bull named Rocco and they are the lights of our life right now, as sad as that might sound lol!! My sister-in-law came to my parent's house a few times a day to play with them and feed them and what not, so they were well taken care of, but it's still so great to have them curled up on the couch with us again!!

The trip home was a lot better than the trip up there! I drove for a few hours in the beginning but hated driving around sooo many semi's so I traded off with my dad and slept most of the way!

I read "The Time Traveler's Wife" while I was awake and a part of it dealt with them struggling to have a baby! She had 6 m/c before having a healthy baby girl! It was tough to read and not cry out load and embarrass myself all over again! But it really is great to read about other woman struggling in literature. I don't mean that it's great to have other women struggle... but that there is coverage of the subject all over the place these days!

Thomas and I just finished watching The Nativity Story. He had never seen it before and really liked it! I saw it last Christmas while I was home for the holidays (Thomas was in Afghanistan) with my family! Tonight was just one of those times when you think back to the year before and realize that you are still trying to get pregnant! Easter is another one, obviously... as is my birthday! I remember sitting in the theater last year being so sad that I was "empty". My womb was empty, my house felt empty and my mind felt empty! All I could think of was the blessing growing in Mary. Not even on the level that she was carrying The Savior, but that she was carrying a child!! I wanted to feel a baby kick in me as she did. Every Easter I think about the day I sat, bleeding in service. About the denial I felt and the loss. At one moment I felt so full and hopeful. excited about what was to come and the next moment I knew I was empty... and filled with want like I had never felt before!

Here I am, a whole year later... will I be here next year, watching that same movie feeling empty or full at last!? I'm praying for the latter.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

So Small

What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's ok to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith
Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small
It's so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole
While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time's flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count cause you can't get it back
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem
So small
-Carrie Undersood's song

I heard this song a few minutes after my cramps started! I felt like it was such a message from God... as corney as that sounds! You know how you can hear a song a million times and then something happens in your life and you finally recognize something in the lyrics that wasn't there any time before!? That's how it was. The words hit my heart so hard!! Sometimes I get so swamped by TTC! I can really get down in the dumps, where I dont even talk to my friends or family; Thomas and the girls on thenest are the only people I want! I really do feel like I'm climbling a Mountain that I might never reach the top of! But when I heard this song it was like God was telling me that there is a summit anddd when i finally get there I will realize that it wasn't as tall as I ever though it was in the beginning!

I am constantly counting the days, weeks, and months! When you're TTC you really do live your life in 2 week intervals and from cycle to cycle! And before you know it, 12 cycles have flown by and you're in a new year! In april it will be 2 years since we started and when I think about that I feel so much loss, so much waste! I decided to put off college to start a family... and here I am. I think: I could have 2 years of school out of the way but instead I'm 2 years behind everyone else and still don't have a family! And that's when God tells me "Love is all that matters! Thomas loves you like I made him to love you! He is patient, he is kind... He will climb this mountain with you! You need to slooooow down, enjoy him, appreciate him... appreciate the walk together between point A and point B!!" I heard this all loud and clear! I'm going to try to slow down and have faith that this really is a grain of sand in my life! And that "This too shall pass"!


On the way to Texas (17 hour drive) I POAS in a rest stop bathroom at 10 in the morning! It was negative! I crawled back into the car and tried to be hopeful that i would get a positive the next day! But a few hours later the cramps strarted... and so did the tears! No one knew i was going to test! (I bought some HPTs the day before on my way home from work.) But as soon as Thomas looked over at me he knew what was going on! I told him about the -hpt and he just gave me that look that says "I know it hurts, baby. Next month will be our month!" But by then my mom turned to ask me a question, saw the tears and everyone in the car was on to me! I cried off and on for the next few hours to various songs on the radio! I looked over at thomas one time and started thinking about our child having his big blue eyes and long dark eyelashes... His thick, curley hair... would our baby girl have ringlets!?.. and that of course made me loose it!
Anywho, the cramps were horrible and my stomach was so swollen! I looked 5 months pregnant andd thaaat made me loose it a few times!! But we made it to Texas! We spent our first night at my grandma's house with like 20 relatives! My mom has like 13 siblings and most of them hadn't seen eachother in 20 years!

On thanksgiving, 14 more people joined and we all cooked and watched football. The house is on 9 acres so all the kids ran around outside with the dogs and road 4 wheelers. The guys went out to shoot... I shot off one round and thought I went deaf! After lunch we alllll piled up in the living room for the Dallas game (our team:)) and then took family pictures and started some poker! I kicked butt the first few rounds and then was the 2nd one out lol! All in all it was one of the best thanksgivings I've ever had! There are def. some characters in the family, but it was so neat for me to be SURROUNDED by aunts and uncles and cousins that, 3 days earlier, I didnt even know existed! Definately made the 17 hours of numb bum worth it:)

Tomorrow is Black Friday shopping! We only have like $300 to spend on gifts this year... so I'm going to have to be creative!

This post is all over the place and pretty general, not as detailed as i would have liked it to be... but it's a lot to process i guess!! On that note:

I started charting this morning! I want to be able to track a whole cycle... not just the 5 days in the middle (with OPKs)! This is our last cycle before Thomas deploys! So let's all pray:):)


"It's so hard to be your own family when
you're still the children in some other family."

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Come to Me, my wayward daughter.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for
and certain of what we do not see."
Hebrews 11:1

I found this today and it really hit home for me! I have been struggling, for a while now, with finding a balance between wanting and waiting. It seems like all of my life I have been taught not to ask for anything. Put others before myself. Don't be hasty or selfish. And at the same time I was always taught to get what I want out of life. There is nothing I can't accomplish if i put my mind to it. These two things conflict inside of me daily... almost every minute. The bible says to be diligent and patient. Good things come to those who wait. And at the same time it tells me to cast all my cares to Jesus. Ask and you shall receive.

Hannah prayed daily for a child of her own, even going as far as to offer her child back to the church at a certain age if God would just give her a child. Is that what it's supposed to be!? I ask, beg for the thing I want most in my life? Or am I supposed to sit back and accept the path God has laid out for me whether it includes motherhood or not!?!? Am I supposed to be patient or am I supposed to tell GOD that I want to be a mother!? Or is it both? Like the verse above says: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I have to be sure that this is the path I want to go down and tell God daily of my desire. At the same time I have to rely on the fact that God has a plan for my life and that it is only for the good of everything!

I need to start praying daily for the desires of my heart, laying all of these burdens at the feet of Jesus AND know that He will take care of me and answer my prayers in a way and at a time that is even more amazing than anything I could have ever planned for myself!

You want to hear God laugh?
Tell Him your

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Let's start the praying Now!!!

Thomas and I leave on Tuesday, with my parents and sisters, to drive, 17 hours, to Texas! We are going to a family reunion for my mother's side of the family! I have never met most of these people and Thomas has never met any of them! So it should be a very entertaining week!

I should either get my BFP or AF while I'm there! And I have packed accordingly! I'm bringing the last 3 OPKs i have. I plan on testing with one of them on Wednesday, CD12 and one on Thanksgiving, CD13 and praying to God that this is our cycle! If either of those are positive, I'll secretly go buy and pee on a HPT! I promised Hunter that she would be the first person that we told when we got pregnant Because the poor girl wants to be an aunt sooo badly! So if, (God willing) the HPT comes back positive, I will tell Hunter and then have her announce it to my family during the famous "what are you thankful for" prayer before dinner!! I'll have her say something like "I'm thankful that I'll be an aunt in 9 months!" or "I'm thankful for my little niece or nephew growing in Heather's belly right now!".

I know it's a little lame that I already have that planned out, but all I have is hope for this cycle!! I randomly used an OPK and got a positive on CD27, thinking it was time to get a positive for pregnancy, but it was for Ovulation!! I mean, what are the chances that I used it on the exact day that I needed to to be able to time our BD'ing!? I had thought we were past that point in the cycle and if I didn't know that I O'd that late in my cycle, I would be pulling my hair out right now thinking that AF was late and that I'm either pregnant or my body is falling apart! lol!! So i took it as a sign to have faith and hope from the get-go!

But of course I packed a new pack of pads, my provera (that i didn't use the cycle it was prescribed to me) just in case i get BFNs anddd AF doesn't start on time... I want this cycle to be over with asap so i can maybe get an extra cycle in before Thomas deploys! I also packed my BB (Basil Body) thermometer and a new chart! I figure I'll start charting again and continue it through the deployment so I have charts to show the RE next year!

All-in-all, I'm excited! Either I get my BFP in a few days and get to move on from all of this... or I get AF and get to move on to a whole new cycle to be hopeful for! Either way I'm moving on! And that is definitely something to be thankful about this Thanksgiving day!

I take it back!

I have always had a problem with praying for a baby! I have had a few friends that are having T-TTC and of course, all of the ladies on my message board! So when I pray, I pray for them! I couldn't imagine being the friend that had to give the "good news" to a friend that was still hurting and waiting for her good news! So when it came time to pray, I prayed that they would get their BFPs first, since I knew I could handle the news! And honestly I'm amazed that God has answered my prayers so precisely!! All 3 of the women i have been prayer partners with have conceived and are expecting their miracle babies very soon! But now I just want it to be my turn! I know that sounds pitiful, but it's true! I wish I could have a BFP to announce and, more importantly, a baby growing inside of me! It has still been really hard for me to pray for my own miracle! I don't know what it is, but i just don't feel like i should pray for pregnancy and motherhood when there are still so many women that i "know" that are still struggling!

We only have one more cycle before Thomas deploys again, and i can't fathom not being able to TTC for the next 6 months... Not having any hope for that long... and then starting the testing and diagnosing all over again! Don't get me wrong, next august/September, when we start trying again I will be ecstatic to be "back on the horse"! But i just can't help but feel like we should already be at that point! The waiting is the hardest part! And second to that is seeing all my friends pregnant and having their babies. I need to start praying... not just for everyone else to get pregnant and have healthy babies, and not just for patience and strength... but for OUR miracle!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Bad day at work

I have no idea where this blog is going to go! Every time i sit down to start typing a new post I get all flustered and do something else instead! But today i need to rant and rave about my STUPID Boss-Lady!

To start off, I work for a 36 y/o lady as a part time babysitter for her 6 month old daughter. And I am 21 y/o!

OK! When i got the job a few months ago i told her that we were TTC and that we would be meeting with our RE soon to find out why we weren't pregnant yet and that we might have to under go a lot of testing and fertility treatments, so i would need her to be aware that I might need time off from work for appointments and/or procedures! She was so great with letting me take the day off for my HSG, other than that i have made it to work on time every other time i had to go in for testing! That's not the "beef" i have with her! It's that she is sooo selfish, self-absorbed, inconsiderate, cocky and completely free of tact!!

Once we got on the topic of IF and she went on and on about how lucky she was to have gotten pregnant on her first cycle. She told me that she was completely happy with her life before her daughter and that if it took them more than a few months to conceive then they would just continue on with their lives with out children... no big loss! She told me that she had a few friends that had dealt/are dealing with IF and that she could never imagine wanting a baby so bad that you would spend all that money to put yourself through it and that she would never adopt either because if she couldn't have a child of her own, she didn't want any! Then added that she was, of course, very happy to have her baby now, but that if she couldn't have gotten pregnant she would have been fine with that! I tried to be polite and just smiled and nodded through the whole of it! That was about 2 months ago!

Today, she commented on how it was perfect baby-making weather outside! I'm in the 2ww so i just made a comment that we wouldn't be doing any of that today! She asked how TTC was going for us and i gave her the spill on our doctor being deployed and that it looks like we're going to be doing IUI next fall if i don't get pregnant in the next few cycles before Thomas deploys again! Then she asked if I would have to be put on fertility drugs (with a very judgmental tone in her voice) and i told her that we would just have to see what the test results say next fall! She told me (with a huge smile on her face) that her and her husband got pregnant right before he deployed and that there was something special about the sex right before and after a deployment that knocks girls up around here! I laughed at the idea of facing my second deployment since we started TTC! I told her that i had so much hope that we would get pregnant before he left last year and then it turned into hoping and praying that we would get pg with that "special" welcome home sex! And that it is just strange to know that I'm in the exact same place i was in last year! Then she laughed!... OMG, she frigging LAUGHED at that:( And started going on about how young we are! she said "it's so silly how young you are and that you're worried about this! hahahahaha! You've got sooo much time, don't worry so much!" I wanted to slap her! but by then i was already on the front porch bawling on my way to my car!
I know that it might not seem like a big deal to some people! and I'm not disputing the fact that we are still young! But in my opinion, my age only fuels my worries! 21 y/o's shouldn't be having T-TTC! I think that if i was 35+ y/o, then she should tell me not to worry! I mean, if you're that age, it almost shouldn't be a surprise that you might have some trouble getting pregnant! But for a couple in their early twenties, i thought it was unusual around 9 months of TTC! But whatever! I'm just so tired of hearing that I don't have anything to be worried about and that I'm so young! How old do you have to be to be worried? Or how long do i have to remain childless for someone (that hasn't dealt with IF) to acknowledge the fact that we ARE having TROUBLE TTC!?!?!

I'm just fed up i guess! I'm ready to move on. Ready to get pregnant and start down that whole new road in my life! Or at least, I'm ready for it to be next fall already, for my RE and my husband to be home so we can get the ball rolling!

I need patience! I need faith!




Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Background Story

My name is Heather! I grew up in Jacksonville, North Carolina. I went to Northside High school and played volleyball and was on Color Guard for 2 years there, captain my senior year! I also sang in the school's concert choir and show choir as well as 2 musicals!

I have 2 younger sisters, Haley (20) and Hunter (10)! Haley is in college as a graphic design major and Hunter is finishing out the 5Th grade and plays softball and volleyball and loves to sing and dance! I met my husband, Thomas (23), in Sunday school the April of my freshman year in high school! I couldn't stand him until July of that year! While at church camp we both fell, he got a concussion and i knocked my front two teeth out! When i sat up and realized my teeth were gone i started laughing and said "I was ugly before this and now i don't even have front teeth!!" Thomas sat down next to me and put his arm around me and told me that he thought i was beautiful before this and that he still thought i was beautiful right now! I was hooked! We dated for 2 years before he joined the air force in 2003! After seeing him at his Basic Graduation i knew i wanted to marry him! We dated for another year and a half, long distance, while he was in school in Florida and Mississippi. He proposed on New Year's Day 2005 in his parent's garden! We planned on getting married June 2006 but after going through some rough times with the distance we decided (in October) to move the wedding up to December 3rd of that year!! It was a crazy 2 months planning and preparing for our wedding but we pulled it off in a beautiful candle lit ceremony at the church we met in, followed by a quick reception in the fellowship hall! We were surrounded by the family and friends that had seen us grow up and in love with each other through he years! We drove to Miami the next morning and took a 5 day cruise to Jamaica and the grand camine islands! We moved into a small apartment in Fayetteville, NC the next January! Thomas is stationed at Pope AFB, only 2 hours west of our hometown! On Easter morning 2006 i had a very early miscarriage in the middle of the church service! We hadn't planned on getting pregnant but in one night without protection it happened. After the loss i was determined to get pregnant again! I bought a few books to educate myself and make the process happen even faster and also a few books on natural birth! I figured i would be pregnant with in the next few months so it wouldn't hurt to start preparing for the birth! By October of that year i was still not pregnant and Thomas left for his first deployment to Afghanistan! That same week i moved into a 3 bedroom house on base! The 3 month break was exactly what i needed! I decorated and spent time with my family and friends and I was sure that we would be pregnant shortly after he returned home to start filling up that big house! Around May/June after a year of trying i decided it was time to see the doctor! I had graduated from the trying to conceive (TTC) books to Infertility books and research and i knew that i wanted to get checked out and tested. I was ready for answers and a plan! We were scheduled to see the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) at the local army hospital on base (Womack) in August! The Friday before our appointment we were told that our Doctor was deploying and that we would have to wait until his return (spring/summer 2008) to be seen! I was horrified! Thomas is due to deploy in that time frame so i knew we were tacking a few more months to the end of that too! I called the nurse (Amber) to see if we could just have the basic tests ran on us through the nurses and she said yes! Thomas had his Semen Analysis (SA) done and it came back "Sub fertile" meaning he isn't Infertile, but his counts were low. The total count was 17 million sperm and only 30% motility! Meaning that out of the 17 million sperm, only 30% were alive and moving! I had an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) done and found that my tubes were clear and open and my uterus was fine, just tilted to the right about 45 degrees! The doctor told me it looked great, no reason for concern! I also did a "Clomid Challenge". Clomid is a fertility drug that causes an influx of the number and quality of eggs produced. I had blood work (B/W) done on Cycle Day (CD) 3, I took 100mg a day for 5 days, CD5-10 and had B/W done on CD10 --CD10 was also the day i had my HSG done!-- The nurse told me that i didn't produce any follicles on the drug, not good! "Clomid is not the drug for you, Mrs. W!" She said that with Thomas' numbers and the fact that i didn't respond to the clomid that our next step would be to start IUI's with injectable medication! IUI: Intra-Uterine Insemination... they take his sperm, seperate all the good ones from the dead ones (that's called Sperm Washing) and put the washed sperm directly into my uterus with a catheter! None of this can be done with out a doctor of course! So now we wait until fall of next year to be able to start testing with the RE! When Thomas gets back from his second deployment (a 6 month tour) he will need another SA and i will need to start the tests to see which injectables i will need to be on! The good news is that Womack is a study school for army doctors, they are teaching doctors how to do Infertility (IF) procedures so there are all kinds of grants floating around! IUI will only cost us $135 per cycle, including drugs:)

Right now we are planning on TTC "naturally"= good old fashioned sex timed with the help of Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs) until he deploys! We only have a few more shots at it! But i am comforted with the fact that after the 6 month break i will be sitting face to face with a doctor that can give me some answers and a plan! and that is all i have been wanting for a long time now! This is our 19th month of TTC! With our doctor gone and my husband leaving soon it doesn't look like this is going to be a blog focused on procedures or drugs just yet! I just need some place to get it all out and maybe find some support along the way!