Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It's been a while!

Sorry I haven't posted anything worth reading in a while! Things have been a little rough lately! I found out about a good friend for HS's 'accident' PG last week, and it just kind of went down hill from there for me! The father was the biggest stoner at my school and she is in college and parties a lot. They aren't married and have only been together for a few months! I know I'm being silly. I would never say that they don't deserve that baby or that they will make horrible parents. It's just another home run for the other team and zero for my team! So that was tough! I don't think I have ever cried/whaled like that before in my life. Thomas was really taken back by it. But he was amazing! He held me and comforted me the best he knew how! It was perfect. Just what I needed!

After I found out I basically boycotted MySpace and Facebook! I couldn't stand to look at another U/S or belly picture! I thought about walking away from my message board for a while too, but those ladies are the only ones I can stand to talk to anymore! And since I just took over for the prayer group, I have to be there every Tuesday and Thursday. I really think that was a blessing from God; to put me in charge of that group of ladies! I'm really trying to get into The Word and pray a lot more. Asking God to give me peace and strength and hope and a baby!!

I'm on CD29 today. I have no idea when (or if) I ovulated this cycle. We BD'd all the way to CD26. Last night it was impossible to even think about having sex after Sunday's event! We were staying with my parents, in my old bed room with the sqeeeeeeky-ist bed in the world! So we decided to just go at it on the floor. It was painful, slow, paranoid and basically my worst sexual experience to date! I cried afterwards. Why does it have to be like that for us? It was definitely a struggle for me! But then God kind of let me in on a little secret... if that's allll I had to go through to get pregnant, I should count my blessings! If we get pregnant this cycle, I truly will be blessed. Blessed to not have to do more test, more drugs, procedures... etc!
So I sucked it up and dried my eyes and started to enjoy my "2" week wait!

I've had some light cramping around CD20-22. the past few days there have been some sharp, almost shooting pains in my low abdomen. I imagine that's where my uterus is. So there is hope!

I'm going to test on Christmas morning. That's CD35 (if AF doesn't show before then.) I figure, I've been through enough BFNs... I know I will be OK if it is another one. It won't ruin my holiday or anything like that. So I will hope and pray that I wake up and receive my biggest Christmas present everrrrr:) If not, no one has to know lol

I have started reading "Supernatural Childbirth". My boss gave it to me to read. The first time I heard about the book I was completely turned off by it. I thought it sounded silly and like I was telling God what to do. I had always been under the assumption that "you got what you got" when it came to God! The book talks about using The Bible and the scriptures in it to change your life, change your thinking. Line your life up with what God has to say about Conceiving and giving birth. Believe it. Pray it. I highly recommend it to anyone that is reading this! It is such a positive message. So encouraging and assuring!

Well the count down has begun. It's less than a month before Thomas leaves. It freaked me out the other night. I was watching October Road and the previews said that a new one would be on in 3 weeks. I realized Thomas would probably be gone by then! It was a crazy reality for me! It still doesn't seem real to me at all! SIX MONTHS!! Ahhhhh!! I was so thankful to have him home this year for the holidays... but now it just feels like they are sucking away all of our time together. This time of year moves by sooo fast! Not the ideal time line for a couple facing a deployment! Let me tell you!:)

This will be good for us! It can go two ways! 1) I am pregnant as we speak and I spend the next 6 months in sheer Heaven preparing for Baby and My hubby's safe homecoming! Or 2) I don't get pregnant before he leaves but spend the next 6 months getting my Pre-TTC body back. Spend the summer traveling to visit friends and family... the beach:)... and completely prepare myself and my husband for the TTC journey we will continue when he get s home!!
Either way, we will be making a lot of extra money and by the time he gets home, we will be almost fully out of debt! By October we will be fully out of debt! He will be promoted in the Spring and come back to start the second half of his 4 year degree and we will be facing new job and station opportunities! Things are good. A baby would make them wonderful. But I just have to sit back and count my blessings some days! Life is good. We are taken care of and loved! We love each other more than I ever imagined loving someone!
I'm happy. I'm renewed in faith and hope. I can honestly say that no matter the outcome of the test on Christmas day, I am blessed and willing and ready for what God has in store for us!!

We leave on Friday to drive back down to Jacksonville. We'll spend about a week there with both sets of family and friends! I wish you all a verrrry merrry christmas! I'm sure I'll be back to let you know how the holiday went and the result of the HPT:) Please say a prayer for us in our last weeks together!


Jen said...

I'll pray that you get the BFP! I'm sorry to hear about the rough week you've been having.

You don't know me-I'm a new reader to your blog but fellow Christian IF sufferer. Anyway, I'm a stranger so I won't give you my long drawn out thoughts on Supernatural Childbirth but I'd encourage you to really think long and hard about what she says and really evaluate if her approach to scripture and to God and His will are Biblically sound. I posted my thoughts on my blog earlier this month if you're interested, but if not, that's ok too.

I digress- I mainly wanted to say "hello" and that I'm enjoying reading your blog and that I hope you get the BFP you want on Christmas.

My IF Blog

Hammyswifey said...

hey girl!!! i just wanted to tell you I was still praying for you and that I love you.. I hate that you're going through this still, I feel like abandoned you and i hate that. I love you and if you need anything, please let me know.

Fertilize Me said...

i LOVE LOVE LOVE october road! I am so sorry that "baby making" has proven itself to be a difficult road for you. I hope that book offers you some great support and information. Good luck in your 2ww i will be saying prayers for all of you ladies in the 2ww