Just One of Those Days...

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning at all! And it's "shower day" (every other day). I stayed in bed until the last possible minute! My hair is ratty and a little greasy. It's in that crap phase anyways, where it's too long and too short to do anything with it! But I made it to work only 3 minutes late!

I guess my bad morning started out as a bad night. Thomas has been off work the past few days so he's stayed up a lot later than me every night watching sports and playing Battle Field 2! I can't really blame him, he doesn't get a lot of time off from work. He's been working his butt off the last few months and is deploying soon (Oh, Lord). But I hate going to bed alone! I just want to snuggle up with him and feel him fall into sleep with me while I still have him here to do that! There really is nothing like falling asleep and waking up next to your husband every day! I miss that so much while he is away! And we're getting close! It has come so fast! A part of me is ready. Ready for some freedom, some independence, more responsibility. But my husband... in a war. On the other side of the world. Away. For months. How can I just kiss him good night and walk off to sleep alone? I can't. I won't. And so we argued! And I won! But still, this morning, I couldn't shake this funk!

Everything is good this morning; My puppies didn't bother me this morning, they just stayed in bed with Thomas. The weather is perfect outside. I had just enough gas to get me to and from work. etc. But I can't smile. My heart hurts. My usual internet routine is MySpace, FaceBook, E-mail, TheNest, and Blogs. Everywhere there are babies and belly's and ultrasound pictures. Or there is just bad news from my girls on thenest. More BFNs. More failed IVFs. Failed IUIs. Failed adoptions. Failed drug challenges. I'm surrounded by extremes. Everyone is pregnant and happy and their dreams are coming true. Or everyone is hurting, breaking, losing faith, watching their dreams walk off in other women's hands. And where am I? I'm stuck. I can't do anything more than I am. I can't call out to my doctor for help. My husband lives in a strange fog of denial and faith. I'm hopeful and doubtful. I'm confident and confused. I just want out of all of this. I want out of this day. This funk that I'm in. I want to be on one side or the other. I don't want to be in Limbo any longer. I want to be succeeding. Or failing. Either way! I just want to be trying! Really trying. Knowing that I'm doing all I can do. That Thomas and the doctors and nurses are doing all they can do. I don't want this to be futile any more. I don't want to be futile any more.