New stuff:)

We finally got home:) It's 11:oo but we are here, in our house:)

Our mail box was stuffed with bills and sale ads anddd my orders from amazon.com!!!
I ordered a devotional called "Guide Me Through This Barren Land", a set of Cd's of guided meditations called "Help for Infertility" and a book on MFI called "Overcoming Male Infertility: Understanding it's causes and treatments"!

I'm really excited about the devotional!! As you can probably tell from my other posts, I have been struggling to find and hold on to God through all of this. So I'm hoping that i can get something from the book!

The Cd's were a total impulse! I read about it on my message board. A girl had asked if anyone used it and a few ladies gave positive feed back so i added it to the list! I figure it won't hurt to give them a try. Either I love them and they really help me deal with the stress and all the other things i need help dealing with; or I think it's completely silly and not going to work for me. But they were only $13.00 and I can say I tried it!

The MFI book is basically to try and get Thomas to acknowledge that there is a problem and that there are solutions! I have read a few books but they mostly focus on female infertility so i figured I would grab this book and try to learn and understand as much as possible from the other side of the issue!


On another note, I'm really glad to be home! Get back to some normalcy and routine!
Thomas and I talked a little about these issues on the way home. He basically is still just waiting to hear from a doctor. I don't think any of this is still as real to him as it is to me! Which I can understand! This is my dream, my conviction. He wants to be a father but he is still hanging on to the idea that it will just happen someday! And I obviously gave up that idea a while ago! But I guess I should try to stop holding it against him! I've tried to tell him that I need him to read more about it and learn more about all of it so he can have a real opinion on the issue but it's fallen on deaf ears so far! Who knows... maybe after tonight he'll want to look into it more! I can remember fighting the idea of needing help with TTC, i remember the fear and disappointment! So I guess I just have to accept that it's taking him longer to come to terms with all of this!
He also feels like I'm "putting all my eggs in one basket"! I've heard this before... I've said this before! He doesn't think I'm balanced enough in life. That I don't care about anything else as much as I do about having a baby! It's true! I just can't see how it's a problem lol! But I'm trying to counter it! I'm applying for school in a few weeks, I'm working, I want to dive into photography soon. I've been trying to get us to find and join a new church or bible group around here or even start finding more couples to spend time with! I guess all of that is still just over shadowed by my determination to conceive! But I'm fine with it! I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing! I'm already soooo limited right now with deployments and time, that I don't think I could be doing any less and still make a difference! So whatever... He'll wake up one day and see that I really am OK! That I'm not as desperate or as lost as he might think I am!! It will be OK! And one day, when he's holding our baby in his arms, he'll thank me for all of this!